Hyalina web novel
IN A WORLD
YOU AREN'T IN
Author:dzktd
Theme:
Black / White
—deepest regret—
Prologue 『ONE STEP AT A TIME』

From: brent_miller@#####.com

To: nate008@#####.com

Date: Nov 01, 2019, 11:20 PM

Subject: RE:farewell.

====

Hey! It’s been a while.

In honesty, even though I only got to know you for mere months, to me, it seemed like forever; and even so, we barely got to know anything about one another. Isn’t that strange? So let’s begin.

A year has passed since farewell—there’s quite a lot that’s happened since then—you know? For starters, I am now attending University and am majoring in psychology. Quite the unexpected turn of events, huh? Or at least, I myself find it hard to believe.

For somebody who was prepared to end life by his own hands, for somebody who didn’t plan on living for this long—sometimes, I must admit I have no idea what I’m doing. In that sense, perhaps I am just going with the flow—and living just for the sake of it—though that’s only natural. I’m taking my time to figure things out, for the years that I’ve lost.

For the longest time, I never saw myself as somebody who could—once again—experience what one calls “happiness”. I had long forgotten the feeling. And so, determined to end it all, unable to move past the death of my loved ones—took one step under rain, finding myself somewhere unknown with the sole purpose of dying.

I rememeber feeling numb and indifferent—thinking it was the only way—though looking back to it now, isn’t it only that I had deceived myself into accepting it as such? I’m sure that… hadn’t you stopped me back then, I would not be here today.

If it weren’t for you, I would’ve never left my room, grow closer to my grandparents, continued my studies, form relationships with others, nor I would be living my day-to-day. Because of you saving me that day, I got to experience these things.

I never got to thank you. Even though we were complete strangers to one another. Even though you could’ve turned a blind eye. It was because of you… that I was able to forgive a world like this.

You were just like me in a lot of ways. But you were much better. You fought the fight like no other could. Up until the very end. No matter how garbage it seemed, you kept on smiling—a smile that kept on giving me hope. Only in you could I truly find relief.

But now that you’re gone, to a place I cannot reach—nowhere to be seen… I can’t help but still wonder… In a world you aren’t in, am I allowed to continue living? And… In the way you did… why did you have to leave like that?

Even so… In a world as cruel as this, I was able to meet you. And… in a world as cruel as this, we were able to find solace within the skies we gazed at.

This world we live in truly is a cruel place. There are no doubts. But… it can also be very compassionate.

I want you to know my world has been bright as of late. I have a loving family, a wonderful boyfriend and some good friends. Besides, the sky you left for me is still guiding me; due to that, I am not lonely.

Are you having a good life, wherever you are? What color are the skies over there?… You and I will forever be bounded by it. One day, when we are able to meet again, let’s stargaze again. I ask you to wait for me until then.

I loved you.

—Brent Miller

※※※※

As soon as my finger tapped the screen for one last time, the text “Message sent.” could be read all over and before long, I was brought back to an inbox full of 「you」. Yeah. The 「you」 from back then; vivid, ever-changing, and… still there.

Just how many times have I read these by now? Messages from a long time ago, messages from where we didn’t know any better–but more so, in every single word within them, I can sense our will to stay alive above anything else.

I wonder… what could have changed along the way, Nate? Why did everything have to end up like this?

I may never be able to find the answer I so deeply need, but… as the 「me」 who has chosen to live and finds himself on the place where everything began, I have to ask…

"Hey, Nate… is it truly okay?"—the words come out gently, directed at the night sky, for only the stars to hear.

"Is it truly okay for me to continue living?"—my gaze, which aimed at the ground, turned to the nightly starry sky as I let out those words, as if desperately looking for an answer… though of course, no words were echoen back. Only tears began flowing down instead.

Yeah…

Is it okay for me to be here, in this world, even though he is here no more? Is it okay for me to be pursuing dreams, even though he won’t have the chance? Is it okay for me to breathe, drink or eat even though he is not able to anymore–?

Even though he is here no more… Even though they are here no longer… Even though I miss them all… Is it okay?

Nate. Molly. Mom. Dad. Please forgive me. From now on, I will live the life that I was given in the best way that I can.

I loved you all.

Thank you for everything.


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